This is my final blog in a series of three regarding the She Speaks 2010 Conference. And of the three, this one is the most important one to me.
I went to the conference with great expectations of hearing from God on certain issues that I wanted an answer or on which I needed clarification. God had other ideas. Isn’t that always the case? We want/expect specific answers to our prayers, believing that we know best what we need. We don’t have a clue. But God does and He knew exactly what I needed last weekend.
Throughout the afternoon and evening on Friday, I felt completely disjointed, as if I really didn’t belong there with all these spiritual women. But I couldn’t leave. There were two women who rode to Concord, North Carolina with me. And God had other ideas, too.
One of the first things that Lysa TerKeurst said Friday night was “If you are here, it is because God ordained for you to be here.”
“Okay, God. I get it. I’m supposed to be here so I guess that means You will answer my prayers sometime this weekend.”
After my first workshop on Saturday morning, I knew I needed to go to the Prayer Room. (See my previous blog to understand the spiritual significance of the Prayer Room.) I looked at the names of God, strategically placed on the tables at the front of the room until I found my name by this name of God:
MY GREAT LORD
(God is the Master and Majestic Lord)
God is our Total Authority
Psalm 8, Isaiah 40:3-5; Ezekiel 16:8, Habakkuk 3:19
I scribbled that down on a piece of paper and headed for my room. I knew that God and I needed to meet. I just didn’t realize it was going to be a “come-to-Jesus” meeting. You know what I mean – Daddy’s got some lessons for His child.
I looked up the scripture references and thought “Okay. This is good.” But I knew that something was amiss and so I asked God “What have I done? I want to know so I can repent.”
He said to me, “Remember last night at the speaker evaluation group when you spoke and you didn’t tell the group what the “dark time” you went through was? And you still didn’t tell them even after it was mentioned to the entire group?”
“Yes, Lord. I remember.”
“You still think that you should be seen as the perfect Christian woman and wife. That’s a matter of pride on your part, and pride is a sin.”
Ouch. Here I was, thinking I had dealt with every aspect of that divorce, the reasons for it, the resulting feelings because of it, and now God is telling me that I still have a HUGE problem. Needless to say, I was on my knees in repentance immediately. Now that the issue of pride is out of the way, I believe God has started showing me things about my divorce that He will use to help other women and for His ultimate glory!
The second thing God showed me came from Angela Thomas’ message on Saturday night. She had made several excellent points for writers, speakers and women in leadership. Actually for anyone who desires to walk in God’s calling for them. But the point that really hit home was “Sometimes, it’s not your turn yet.” I had been comparing myself to other writers and speakers. Not in the quality of their writing or speaking, but in the fact that most of them started much earlier than I did, so they R further along in their ministry than I am. Another cause for repentance. But also for reassurance. Sometimes, it’s not my turn yet.
And the final spiritual lesson, and the most important of all, came on Sunday morning through P31 team member, Karen Ehman’s message on “True Love.” Her message was based on Rev. 2:1-7 and she focused on “You have forsaken your first love.” You can see where I’m headed with this. Deep, sorrowful repentance. So much so, after going to the altar and being prayed for by one of the P31 team members, I went back to my seat, and immediately wrote the following:
I don’t want to be an ordinary woman. I want to be an extraordinary woman for and of God.
I didn’t even realize until this morning’s message that I had left my first love – Jesus Christ. It was not an abrupt departure than happened quickly. It was a sneaky, slow meandering that happened over a long period of time – years, even.
This is how the enemy works. Sneaky attacks, slowing drawing us away from our first love. Even using our church work, our calling to God’s work, to cause us to be busy. I have been so busy, I was blinded to the fact I was no longer in love with my first love. Even when I read and knew His Word said to me: “with one glance from me, He fell hopelessly in love”, I still didn’t recognize that I had left my first love. How could I have been so blind? So deaf? So dumb?
Abba Father, I am sorry and I humbly repent. I have not loved you with my whole heart – my whole life – my whole being. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to never be drawn away from You again. I want to put You first above everyone and everything.
Father, if I never write another word, if I never publish a book or another blog, if I never teach another Bible study or speak to a women’s meeting, it’s okay. I simply want to be so totally in love with you that it can be seen in my face, in my posture and heard in my voice. One look at You, Abba Father, and I have fallen hopelessly and totally in love.
For more information on Proberbs 31 Ministries, here’s their website: http://www.proverbs31.com/
© 2010 Edwina E. Cowgill